Tuesday, 20 September 2016

My Own Fight Club

After a spell away from the blogging world, I want to come back. I hope I'm allowed, I bowed out, maybe in a bit of a huff, not with anyone in particular, more with my situation and my lack of anything to give or share. Not that I have anything new to say now - I don't.  As I said in my previous rant, there is nothing new under the sun, but then again ...

After returning to our home country after two years doing cross-cultural missions work, we are looking at buying a car ... this car isn't new, in fact we would be the third owner, but it's new to us so feels pretty special.  Life lessons are like that, maybe not new to everyone, but new to us special.  And just to clarify, by 'special' I don't always (or rarely) mean 'sweet' special, I may (probably more often than not) mean 'fight club' special.

We can mark the last two years off as the HARDEST in our lives so far.  Some may assume we had lead relatively sheltered lives up until two years ago, others my hail us as brave.  It's irrelevant. It was hard.

I learnt that expectations are dangerous.  People are jerks, especially Christians.  And I might just be the biggest jerk of all.

A long time ago, I started asking God to highlight my sin, as I knew I was a self-righteous git, and as much as I didn't want to be, I found it hard to see my way around the fact that I wasn't a fornicating, potty mouth (not often anyway), drunk who slit peoples throats for $10. My sin wasn't in bold italic underlined 72 font, it was in boring arial 11 font. But I wasn't alright, I knew that much. I struggled with anger. But I prayed about it (after the fact) and pulled my socks up and did my best, failing miserably.  But everyone gets angry, so I justified my sin as 'normal' or arial 11 font, same as everyone else's.

Two years living cross culturally was a highlighter of gigantic proportions that I asked for.  Sin revealed.  Mostly everyone elses, if I'm honest with you, which I can be, as you are a computer.  People are jerks, that is my conclusion.  But worst of all, Christians are jerks.  Then last week, it dawned on me, I am a jerk, and I asked to know this? And this is how it was delivered!  What a stupid question to ask on a practical level, and what a painful question to ask on a spiritual level. Maybe it was wisdom, but right now it feels like antiseptic ointment in a brutal and bloody wound.

And so I am back, slightly damaged, slowly recovering, writing again, my own fight club story.